Thursday, April 02, 2009

The Effin Fly!!!

Sorry family members and friends who are offended by the title of this blog, but I can't find a nicer word for the stupid fly who has been annoying me for a couple of days now. I am so livid!!

A couple of days ago it showed up, and I was trying to be a kind and gentle soul to begin with...being a respecter of life. Yesterday it showed up randomly and I would gently "shoo" it away. A friend told me they only live for about 3 days, and I thought I can tolerate that....WELL....

This is Effin Fly won't leave me alone. It follows me everywhere.
I mean, seriously, there's stinky trash filled with banana peels and garlic, and you want ME. There's dog food in a bowl exposed in the kitchen, but you choose ME. I've offered you a trash can in the nursery filled with dirty diapers or goldfish crumbs graciously left under the table by a friend's 9 month old daughter, but NO, you want to tick ME off.

I've even started questioning if there has been someone who has passed on that I know that maybe lived a horrible life and was reincarnated as a stupid fly to seek a personal vengeance out for my sanity. I can't think of anyone off the top of my head, so WHY?! Why does this fly have a personal vendetta out for me?

Everywhere I go...I can be at the kitchen table...he's in my ear or on my head. I'm in the living room trying to get River to sleep, and he lands on his face. Oh no! Now, he's in my ear again. But wait, there's breastfeeding....It takes me two hands, and there's that dumb fly swarming around the event. At one point today, I stormed into the kitchen closet and broke out the fly swatter. And it lies on my bed...waiting....I've been feeding River today and simultaneously been swinging at the blasted fly. And it wins! It wins over and over again.

I can't do anything in peace right now because I'm constantly on guard waiting for that noise to show up. Mr./Mrs./Miss Fly, you will meet your doom today. It is my goal. I have lost all patience, and next time you land on the nipple of River's paci, you are a goner. I tried being a pacifist and seeking peace with you, but the battle begins. Leave my house today, or I will help you leave with a swift swat. You win. You have driven me insane. I am blogging about my anger towards you, you little creature. But today is your day of doom. I will personally see to it. Let this be a sign to you and all your friends.

(R.I.P Mr. Effin Fly,
I took your life today, not because I had a personal vendetta out against you, or because you were causing humanity a great deal of pain, but because my wife said she was going to swat me with the fly swatter if I couldn't send you on to the heavenly realms.
Ha! Just kidding. I took care of the fly today when I got home. One swat is all it took. See, it's all in the wrist....you have to have a good approach, and then finish off the job with a snap of the wrist. Ok, I'll stop bragging about what a great fly swatter I am and go about my business.
Ryan)

3 comments:

Funky Cold Medinas said...

Ha. That's a great tale of woe, one I couldn't have told quite so well myself!

Talina said...

Love it! And totally know the feeling. I have these fruit flies here that make me so batty!

Blogging about it is funny, yay for funny!

Oh, got the box you sent too. Thank you so much! I tested today and have pretty low levels I think. Oh and the finger pricker hurts way less than being scratched by my cat (which happens daily). I was so worried that it was going to be super painful and dreadful. LOL.

Thanks again, happy fly murdering! HA.

amsd2dth27 said...

If this had a like button as on facebook, it would have been clicked. I was completely enthralled with this story.